One Lump or Two
by SnitterSense
Summary: After being thwarted, Perry and Heinz stop in a cafe for a cup of coffee before going home. But Heinz soon realizes odd feelings that he has towards the no-nonsense agent. (Human Perry)


**AN: This is another old fic of mine, specifically in the catagory of "perryshmirtz" this time. And I'll be honest, the human Perry concept intrigued me, so I did make Perry a human. But this was more of an experimental story, so if you don't like it, I'm totally fine with that.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own the characters or the show blah blah blah**

"I still don't understand why you had to chain me to the table," Heinz grumbled, looking irritably at the teal haired agent sitting across from him. The man tilted his hat back and leaned back into his seat.

"I don't want you to escape. I would hate to have to put that in my report."

Heinz huffed and questioned, "What makes you think I would do that? Is this revenge for trapping you in that bear trap?"

The agent did not answer him. He only looked out the window, his thoughts seeming to be elsewhere.

Well, this had been a disaster. Although the scientist was hell-bent on taking over the Tri-State Area, he had gone to California for this scheme. Well, he was not going to actually pull off his original scheme in California. This was more of a revenge scheme. He had made an order for parts for an "Inator" he was going to build for his original scheme, but some moron in California messed it up. And it had been a long and complicated revenge scheme too. He was surprised that a particular teal-haired agent had been able to foil him so quickly. So here he sat, directly across from this nearly-silent agent.

Heinz had noticed that in the little time he had known this agent – Agent P he was called – hardly ever spoke. He understood that Agent P could not speak of his personal life, but it seemed like he did not like talking at all. What could make a man so silent?

The scientist could not imagine never wanting to speak. He had always had to suppress his emotions all his life, starting when he was being raised in Gimmelshtump and continuing on through his marriage to Charlene. His whole life, he was told to be silent, that his opinions did not matter. Every time he tried to speak, someone would interrupt. Heinz always wanted to speak to people. If he ever tried to be silent, he would probably explode.

"What can I get for you, sir?" The waitress sighed. She didn't even look up from her notepad. She was average height, blond, and probably in her early thirties. Her nametag read: Veronica.

Heinz then looked over at the agent across the table from him. Agent P's expression wore a different expression than he was used to seeing. His lips curled into a sly smile and his eyes narrowed towards the young woman.

"Would you mind looking up, love? It's hard to see your eyes behind that notepad."

She sighed, although she did not look at Agent P.

"I like to look people in the eye when I order," he persisted.

Irritably, the young woman looked up from her notepad and at the agent. In those few moments, Heinz noticed that she blushed. The scientist pulled at the handcuffs holding his right arm under the table and sighed. What was it with agents and being able to charm the women? What about scientists? What did they get?

_Divorces_, Heinz supposed.

"That's better," Agent P voiced. "Coffee is fine, black." He looked towards Heinz momentarily.

"Do you want anything?"

"Just coffee, but I'd like sugar."

The waitress's eyes flickered toward him a moment, and then back to the agent before she nodded and left.

Heinz snorted and looked out the window. So what if the agent flirted with some girl? Agents did those types of things anyway, right? Heinz had nearly seen all the James Bond movies; secret agents could be womanizers.

"Something wrong?" Heinz looked over at the agent who hardly spoke, noticing a hint of concern in his brown eyes.

The scientist berated himself for looking into the agent's eyes. So what if they were a nice shade of brown? So what if they looked like small seas of chocolate? The man sitting across from him was his sworn enemy.

"Besides the fact that I'm chained to a table in a coffee shop across from my nemesis?" Heinz blinked innocently. Then his eyes turned cold, "Yeah, I'm terrific."

Agent P narrowed his eyes at the scientist, growling, "I am _not _your nemesis."

He did not need to say more than that to make his point clear. The agent's gaze was fixed on Heinz's, his brown eyes telling him everything he needed to know.

_In real life, people don't have a nemesis. This is real life, not a movie. _

Heinz ignored it. Perry was wrong. If he was not his nemesis, then what was he? They were not friends, nor merely foes, and certainly not lovers.

The scientist blinked in surprise. Lovers? Why had that come to mind? Sure the man was attractive, and his eyes were alluring, but… well there was no possible way that would work out.

And it was not like Heinz would ever notice his nemesis in that way. No sir, he would never even consider the possibility of grabbing the agent's orange plaid tie, drawing him close to him.

What if he kissed him? Not that kissing the agent had ever crossed his mind or anything… but what affect would that have? He was not sure he wanted to know.

He wondered how long this had lain dormant in his heart. He would admit that some of these emotions had crossed his mind, but he had quickly shaken them off before. But now? Now, he was beginning to realize his infatuation.

Heinz looked out the window, trying to focus on something else, anything else. What was wrong with him? Usually he had a hundred different thoughts running through his mind all at once. Now, all he could think about was the man across from him. Why, he had not been this focused in ten years!

He glanced back at the agent to see worry in those chocolate spheres. They begged the question: Why are you so quiet today?

The scientist never usually thought before he spoke. Usually he just blurted out whatever was on his mind, whether it sounded sane or not. Usually, Heinz could get away with that; he could just go with any of the thoughts in his head and just talk for hours about it.

Now, Heinz knew that he could think of nothing but Agent P. The agent's crew cut seemed to be growing out, which was nice. He could talk about that, but he knew it would only lead to how much he wanted to run his fingers through it. No, anything Heinz said would lead to the topic of his infatuation with the agent.

The girl came back with the drinks and set them on the table. Agent P once again put on what Heinz now realized was a false façade. The agent eyed the woman in interest.

"Veronica," the agent mused, looking at the waitress's nametag, "that's a beautiful name."

She blushed, pausing for just a moment. Heinz noticed Agent P's expression change ever so slightly.

"So… how long have you worked here?"

"Five years," she answered proudly.

"Wow, so you must know a lot about this town here."

"Well, of course. The town isn't that huge compared to a lot of cities in California," she chuckled. "It's so small that we even have our own haunted building."

Heinz almost laughed out loud. A haunted building?

"Or at least that's what most people say," Veronica continued. "It's been vacant for ten years now. Some people say that it just isn't the ideal place for a company. A lot of kids say it's haunted."

"What do you think it is?" Heinz interrupted. Veronica looked over at him as if noticing his presence for the first time.

"I don't know. The government's probably using it or something. Why else would it be empty?"

The teal haired agent cleared his throat and voiced, "I'd love to give it a look. It sounds really interesting."

"It's only a block away from here, next to the McDonalds. You can't miss it," she paused and then added, "There isn't much there though, just an empty parking lot and a dirty old building."

The agent shrugged, although he still shot her a winning smile.

"Well, enjoy your coffee," she smiled back at the agent as she turned away.

Heinz tapped his fingers on the table, now attempting to focus his thoughts on this new information.

"So you just used her to find that out? Really, what's so interesting about a rotten old building anyway? Are you going ghost hunting or something?"

Agent P rolled his eyes at the scientist and took a sip of his coffee. Then Heinz understood.

"Oh, that's an agency –"

The agent glared at him, clearly meaning: _Not so loud, you nitwit_.

"Sorry," Heinz murmured. Then his eyes narrowed. "Wait, you mean you're just going to drop me off there? You're just going to leave me here in California?"

Agent P did not respond; he only set down his glass and gave the scientist a cold look.

"But… that isn't fair! This place is hundreds of miles away from the Tri-State area! How am I supposed to conquer it from California? It's not fair!"

The agent's eyes changed from ice to burning coals.

"Don't talk to me about fair."

Heinz scoffed, "What would you know, Mr. Goody Two-Shoes?"

Agent P's voice dangerously growled, "Do you think it's fair that I have to defeat you every day – that I have to leave my family just so you don't fuck something up? No, it isn't. It isn't fair that I have to hide who I am from my closest friends and family while you can parade around acting like an utter maniac. But that's life, Dr. Doofenshmirtz and you need to learn to live with it."

Three things occurred to Heinz in that moment. One: that was the most he had ever heard the agent speak in one day. Two: Agent P's voice could still sound so alluring even when he was angry. The third thing crushed the scientist's spirits. Agent P could be married.

Heinz felt tension in his shoulders. The agent had mentioned family; there was no doubt about it. While that did not necessarily mean he had a wife and kids that was still a possibility to consider. How had he not thought of that? The man was nearly as old as Heinz himself – of course he would be married!

She was probably a very beautiful woman; Heinz knew that the agent would not settle for less. She probably had to have a career of her own; Heinz knew that the agency did not pay their agents enough to support a family. Agent P seemed to be the jealous type, he was sure that she was a very loyal woman…

Loyal? Wait a minute…

"But you were just flirting with that waitress! If you're married then that means –"

"Married?" The agent appeared to be stifling a laugh. "Just because I mentioned that I have a family means that I'm married?" Agent P took this in for a second, shaking his head in disbelief.

He leaned forward and informed, "I'm not married."

"You're not?" Heinz felt the tension lessen in his shoulders. He tried not to breathe a sigh of relief.

The agent shook his head.

Heinz could not help what he asked next.

"Were you ever married?"

Agent P gave him a curious look and shook his head. Like Heinz had suspected, he did not offer any more information than that. However, those chocolate eyes appeared to ask him the same question.

"Oh," Heinz croaked, surprised. "Yeah, I was married for a few years. But, it uh, ended five years ago."

Heinz was willing to talk about anything, _anything_ but this topic. Although the divorce had been some years ago, he was still getting over it. The marriage itself had not ended badly, but the relationship was lost. And it had been his fault.

Agent P posed a question, "What was she like, if I may ask."

"You want to know what type of woman would end up marrying an idiot like me, huh?"

The agent guiltily darted his gaze towards the table salt at the left corner of the table.

"Too bad," Heinz growled.

Agent P raised his eyebrows as he took a sip of his coffee.

"No, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to offend you. I just don't feel comfortable talking about it," the scientist quickly apologized.

There was silence for a mere moment before the agent inspected the cup that was given to Heinz with his coffee. The scientist noticed that instead of little packets of sugar, he was given little white sugar cubes.

"One lump or two?" Agent P asked as he reached for Heinz's coffee mug.

Heinz was perplexed. Why did he have to be limited to just two lumps of sugar in his coffee? He never really even cared for coffee in the first place. The scientist wondered why he had not just ordered tea.

"Uh, three?" he answered unsurely. The agent chuckled and scooped three lumps of sugar into the coffee.

Heinz needed to distract himself again. There was no way he was going to sit there and stare at the agent with puppy dog eyes. The scientist knew that Agent P was very professional, not to mention that he would have no interest in men. Even if he were, Heinz probably would not even make the list.

So he just began rambling, like he normally did. Well, actually, this rambling was a bit different. The first thoughts that popped into the scientist's mind became his topics. He avoided any thoughts that had to do with romance or Agent P in general. The topics he focused on were generic, seemingly harmless topics.

Both men had finished their coffee by the time Heinz was on his last story.

"I don't exactly remember how the joke goes," Heinz admitted. He paused before he continued, "A blind guy is in a restaurant with his friend. He says to his friend, 'Do you want to hear a dumb blond joke?'

"Well, the waiter was standing there and he says, 'Excuse me, I don't think you should tell that joke'. The guy at the table asks, 'Why not?'

"The waiter answers, 'You'll offend people!'

"'Like who?'

"'Well, the guy behind you is blond, the woman and her husband in the next booth are blond. The cook is blond, and I'm blond!'

"So then," Heinz could not help but giggle at what he was about to say next, "the guy answers, 'Okay then. I'll tell it _really_ slowly.'"

Heinz began to laugh out loud, attracting attention of some of the people at the other tables. He noticed that the agent was keeping a cool composure, although his eyes read something else.

_Look to your left_.

Heinz looked in that direction to see the waitress, Veronica, glaring at him, a fire brimming in her eyes.

"Oh, um, I didn't see you there, I uh –" He rubbed the back of his neck.

"We can have the check now," the agent interrupted, now appearing embarrassed at having the scientist sitting across from him. Agent P smiled at her, now apologetic. Heinz noted with a hint of pleasure that all evidence of previous flirting was erased from his face. She then walked off, supposedly to get the check.

"You might as well unlock me now since we're going to leave."

The agent ignored him.

"Oh come on, at least let me pay!" Heinz pleaded.

Agent P checked his watch and looked out the window; seemingly irritated.

Heinz slumped over the table, since the handcuffs prevented him from leaning back.

"What's wrong with taking me back to Danville with you? How much different would it be if I were there?"

"Quieter," came the curt reply of the agent.

Before Heinz could reply, the waitress scurried back, handing the agent the check. Agent P took the pen and signed the receipt. He pulled a ten dollar bill out of his pocket, handing that and the receipt to the waitress.

She examined the receipt, which Heinz found a bit odd. Then it hit him. She was trying to see the agent's name.

_Good luck with that, he wouldn't put his name on there if it meant revealing his identity to me _–

"Perry? Wow, that's a pretty neat name."

The teal haired agent smiled, but did not say anything more. Veronica gave him a weak smile before retreating back to the counter to put the money in the register.

Agent P – Perry – sighed and scooted out of his booth only to scoot next to Heinz to unlock the handcuffs from the table post. The scientist tried not to blush at the slight contact they had. He cleared his throat.

"So your name's Perry? I always thought 'P' was just some kind of code."

"It is, for Perry."

"No, I meant like Agent 007 or Agent 86."

"Yes, but the difference between my name and theirs is that my name is a letter, not a number," the agent hissed. "Hold still, do you know how hard it is to unlock these handcuffs?"

Heinz tried his best not to squirm, but it was so difficult to do so when Perry's face was only inches away from his. Granted, it was not faced towards him, but toward the handcuffs and the table post, but the affect was still there.

"How come you never told me your name? All this time I had to call you 'Agent P' when I could have called you 'Perry'?" Then a thought occurred to Heinz.

"Of course, I can't just call you Perry. How stupid would that be? I mean, it's just two syllables! It'd sound way cooler if I were able to welcome you with your whole name. So… what's your last name?"

There was a "click" and the handcuffs were free from the table post. Perry then proceeded to handcuff the man to his right wrist and yanked him out of the booth.

"You could have pulled my arm out of my socket!"

The agent rolled his eyes and led Heinz outside. The scientist was not too worried about his arm at the moment – he hardly even felt anything since the arm was fake anyway – so he got back on topic.

"But what is your last name, anyway? I think I have a right to know, since I'm your nemesis and all."

He could feel Perry tense, but to his surprise, he did not chide him about calling him his "nemesis". It took a few moments, but the agent relaxed and sighed.

"I can't tell you my last name, agency policy."

But Heinz did not want to just leave it at that. He needed to call the agent something.

"Well, what can I use instead of a last name? And don't say 'Smith', because that's stupid and cliché!"

Perry thought for a moment.

"I have a lot of nicknames," he mused.

"Like what?" Heinz was really curious to see what the agent was called. "I bet they called you 'Houdini'."

He had been joking, really, but he was shocked when the agent remarked, "Actually, they did. But please, don't call me Houdini. I've heard it a thousand times already."

"What do they call you now?"

"Now? Well, nothing really… no, wait. That intern – what's his name, Carl? – called me a platypus once."

"I like it."

"Like what?"

"It's perfect! I could call you 'Perry the Platypus'!" But it really did work for Heinz. It was not just something he could say instead of a last name it was a title! It would be perfect to incorporate into his schemes. If he addressed his nemesis by his "title", then he would sound more evil!

Perry gave him an odd look, but his expression softened, giving him a look that meant: _Whatever floats your boat._

He led the scientist towards his hover car. The agent's eyes widened when he saw that they were five minutes overdue on the parking meter.

"Put a quarter in there, will you?" Perry gestured towards the parking meter.

"What? But it's your car –"

"Hey, if you want a ride home, you need to work for it."

Perry was willing to give him a ride home? But he had been so hell-bent on dropping him off at the local agency only twenty minutes ago! However, Heinz decided to ignore it and reached into his pocket, searching for a quarter. He found one and dropped it into the machine.

The scientist was pulled to the other side of the car. Perry's face was inches away from Heinz's. For a second, he nearly forgot to breathe. At least until he saw Perry's eyes. The look in his eyes was a warning. The agent's eyes were still intimidating even if Heinz had to look down to see them. Seven inches height difference meant nothing in that moment.

The scientist did not know what Perry was trying to convey until he heard the "click" of the handcuffs. Then he could read the chocolate brown eyes clearly.

_Don't try to escape_, they warned.

"Okay, I won't. Honest."

Perry "The Platypus" studied him for a few moments. He opened the car door and shoved him inside. Heinz righted himself and shut the car door.

He strapped in his seatbelt and groaned, "You know, I could have gotten in by myself, thank you very much."

The agent did not reply; he only got out a gag and wrapped it around Heinz's head.

The scientist's eyes widened at the agent. Perry rolled his eyes and explained, "I can't have you talking the whole ride over to Danville." As an afterthought, he added, "If you try to take it off, I'm leaving you here."

Heinz's eyes narrowed at the agent and tried to speak, but it only came out as muffled garble.

The evil scientist had just come up with a catchphrase for when he was defeated by the agent, and now that he was gagged, he could not tell Perry what he was going to say. He sighed and rested his head on his hand, leaning against the window.

_Curse you Perry the Platypus…_


End file.
